Dear Jayne,

I have a friend that I have grown up with and when I told her I was getting married she was very excited for me. I told her she wouldn't be in the bridal party because she likes to take things over. I have tried to include her in things like going to look for dresses and such because she is my friend and I don't want her to feel bad.

Well when I picked her up one day she informed me that she purchased a strand of pearls for me to wear on my wedding day. Well I don't even like pearls and I hadn't even bought my dress yet. I don't know how to tell her that I won't be wearing the pearls. I feel like a bad friend because I already told her she isn't in my party and now I won't be wearing her pearls that she purchased for me and then she has already written a speech to say at my wedding and we are not having speeches. (My wedding is still 6 months away and she is still trying to plan it.) and trying to control all the plans.

I feel bad telling her anything because I don't want to offend her. What should I do. How can I tell her that I won't be wearing the pearls. And do you think there is a place - out of the way- that I can find to include her in the wedding somehow?

Signed,
Pearl-fectly Guilty

Pearl,

I don't know if I think your friend is really nice, or just really passive aggressive. Can one be aggressively nice?

Anyway, one of our panelists, Erica Goldstein, the Founder and CEO of Paper Bride has a few great ideas. Phrased rather cleverly, I think, too. Erica says: "I'm about to share with you the single, solitary most important fact about this entire situation:

This

Is

Your

Day

You might want to read that again, say it out loud or compose some music to it.

Whatever you do, don't forget it.

Now, some brides mistake this carte blanche as an excuse to act like an insane bitch, require their friends and family to do embarassing things or treat anyone who comes across their path unkindly. And, that's not cool. But, without question, it does entitle you to wear whatever the hell kind of necklace you fancy and have your wedding reception go exactly as you and your fiance would like it to.You definitely need to convey your feelings to her--there is no way around it.

I'll offer you my advice for a nice way of doing this and an honest way.

Nice:

You to friend: "It means so much to me that you chose this gorgeous necklace for me, and I can't wait to wear it at our rehearsal dinner. I also think that will be the perfect time to give your speech as we have a few other people who have also mentioned that they would like to toast us. I'm so glad you are a part of all of this planning!"

Honest:

You to friend: "I'm guessing you've probably forgotten our conversation in which I confessed to you that you were not being asked to join my bridal party because you are such a control freak? If so, you may want to revisit it, because you are doing it again. I totally get that you are coming from a good place, but I kinda had my heart set on having my wedding MY way, not yours. We're not planning on doing any speeches at the wedding and I need to choose my jewelry for that day based entirely on what's going to work with my dress. So, as much as I appreciate your efforts, you'll be the best friend you can be to me by letting me just do my own thing.

I know this might seem like a challenging situation for you, but standing up for yourself and doing things the way you'd like them to be done does not, by any stretch, make you a bad friend. "

Couldn't have said it better myself, Erica. Hope that helps, Pearl!

~Jayne

Thank you so much for the advice I plan to use it. It was just that little bit of help I needed to deliver my blow to her with perfect tact. :)

Hey Pearl-fectly,

My pleasure to help!

Have you confronted your friend yet? How did it go???

Erica

WOW! That does sound like a dilema! I can't say that I have had that problem with my wedding plans, but I have had actually the opposite. I have 3 girlfriends that are in my wedding, one of which assumed herself the maid of honor when I got engaged, but in fact, she is not my maid of honor. She was happy and excited when I asked her to be in the wedding, but now it seems as though she would rather be doing something else. The wedding is December 2, this year (06) and she still has not ordered her dress! It is a one and half month order for the dress to begin with, and I don't know what else I can do to help her along the way. The dress total comes to $135, BUT I have offered to pay $50 towards it for her, and she is STILL procrastinating! What should I do about a bridesmaid whom doesn't seem to want to be a bridesmaid! I do not want her to ruin my wedding and I do not want her to suddenly back out and leave me hanging! HELP!!

wow it's been a few months. but maybe she's having some hard times. this happened w/ one of my friends. just tell her straight up that the dresses need to be ordered by a certain date for Your wedding. she might come out w/ it like my friend did. if she cant afford it you can offer to pay for the dress and possibly she'll pay you back. if you let her wait and pay for it herself, let her deal with the consequences of rush order/alteration fees. yeah she didnt have to say yes to being your bridesmaid if she didnt plan on following through. but honestly, who's gonna say no? everyone wants to be a part of the fun day in the beginning. our wedding is sept 30, 2006 and the last girl just ordered her dress 2 weeks ago. talk about being stressed, so i just told her what the deadline was and that 3 other bridesmaids were waiting for her to order her dress so all the dresses could be cut from the same dye lot. money matters are sticky situations, and nothing will get done if no one puts it out there in the open.

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hey everyone i love the comments and dilemmas im having another problem as well well...i went from having 2 bridesmaids and my maid of honor to having 6 in total...*rollz her eyez* long story ...(and there all diffrent shapes and sizes) my mom is making there dresses (there beautiful!!:)) but at the same time there wanting diffrent styles...gloves..no gloves.shawls ..straps no straps halter top ...omg...it was this dilemma when we were going to find a color.ITS WAS THE SAME DRAMA!! ..i just went with my mom and picked out a color .. then showd it to them...they loved it ...but MY BRIDES MAIDS ARE BEING TO PICKY then my other friend comes back from mexico ...*im having a cosmotologist/hairstylist come to my house the day of the wedding to get me and my bridesmaids ready* and she invites herself!! ...i mean im not cheap im shellin out alloottta money here but ....its $75 dollarz!...thats alota money when uve just bought all the furniture that will be in ur new home and paid for everything for the wedding (OVER $15,000!!!) ....:) im just so stressed...and b4 that my maid of honor was gonna rank out on me ....tearz tearz and more tearz :) ...if anyone has any advice...i mean i dont want to sound like a tightass ...*YOU HAVE TO PAY FOR YOURSELF* ...lol

***PS****ARNT UR BRIDESMAIDS AND MAID OF HONOR AND FRIENDS SUPPOST TO BE RELEIVING UR STRESS AND TRYING TO MAKE UR LIFE JUST A LIL BIT EASIER INSTEAD OF **CAUSING**ALL OF IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!